Today it’s 11 years since you’ve been gone. Sometimes I think I miss you more now that I did all those years ago. Now that I have a family and children I wish I could call you and ask you all the questions I have. I want your advice when Noah and Hannah are sick. I want to tell you about all the crazy and funny things they do. I want to tell you about Dave and the things we’re doing on the farm.
Mostly, I wish I could talk to you “woman-to-woman.” I’m done growing up now, but I’m still growing older. I wish I could have you with me to guide me through this stage of my life. I want to tell you my news, my dreams and goals. I want to show you what I’ve made and built with my hands. I want to know if you’re proud of the woman I’ve become and the life I’m living.
I wish I could hug you again.
Mom, you are missed dearly today and everyday. I will love you always.
I debated about posting this, but one thing kept telling me to post it. Earlier this year, a friend lost her sister. One day I was visiting her and she asked me how I dealt with the loss of my mom. I didn’t know what to say. That’s when I realized that although I’ve told people about my mom’s death, I don’t really talk about it.
I didn’t deal with the loss of my mom very well. I drank a lot, and I was very angry.
I met my husband, Dave, several months after my mom died. He was a Christian and, when we started dating, asked me to go to church with him. I was hesitant because I was angry at God. Eventually I went with him and one day I asked Jesus to save me. I stopped drinking, but I still held on to that anger. It was something that I had…I owned… and it was hard to give up.
Dave and I got married in 2002 and moved out of Philadelphia in 2004. Noah was born in 2005 and I started going to the woman’s bible study at our church. I grew a lot in our small church. That year we studied the epistle of James, a book about Christian living.
I learned to let go of my anger and give it to God. It was hard because I had to give it all to Him. He is faithful to heal, but you must be willing…He won’t force you. James 4:7-8a tells us “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” This is one of my favorite verses and has brought me great solace.
People often say that the loss of a loved one will get easier over time. I think the pain is always there; you just think about it less as the years go by. It comforts me to know that we weren’t made to experience pain or loss. We were created to live forever and fellowship with God. I look forward to the day we are in His presence.